Is Man-ism a More Important Topic than Feminism?

I’m going to apologize in advance, because this is a topic I could discuss for days. And I’m still learning about it and developing my own standpoint. Plus this is a tough subject to approach without outraging feminists. So bare with me.

I came across this news story (about a group of guys (ages 14-27) raping an 11 year old girl) that made headlines last year, but it’s still a front-page headline on cnn.com. And while I think the whole article/debate is just fucking ridiculous. (I mean, seriously… she’s 11!!) The author touches on something important that I’d like to bring up: the boy did what he did because of ‘peer pressure.’ Which I don’t think is limited to just peers. I think it starts with their parents. And every boy (and girl, and transgender) who has ever lived has known peer-pressure.

I know that, in that article especially, it’s a touchy situation. He’s a kid, he doesn’t know better. But, how much is a 14 year old boy supposed to know about sex and love and relationships-or even violence and rape- in a country that doesn’t talk about sex, deems the deed dirty and punishable, and doesn’t teach proper-sex education?  (sex education is a blog for another time though.) While, at the same time, throwing cliche’s,  music videos, and mis-information at them?

So what am I talking about? I’m talking about the way we raise our kids today. (cuz we never get tired of hearing about that, right?) Feminism covers the girls, the sickness of ‘Purity Balls’ and abstinence and seeing virginity as innocence or a gift, so on and so forth. But I want to talk about the pressure that’s on the boys.

Let’s start with the way people talk. Not just kids, but adults, especially with slang. We throw around terms like “Man-up!” “Sack up!” “Grow a pair!” “You fight/scream/cook/bust a cap like a girl!” and of course the good old fashioned “You’re such a fag!” and “That’s so gay!” Again, the homosexual debate is left for another day, but feminist and homosexual authors have used these terms to prove how offensive it is to women and gays, without discussing the effects it has on the people using the terms. (Don’t get me wrong, women and gays are totally justified and I support them. I mean, what’s wrong with fighting like a girl? I hear Xena kicks a lot of ass. And I would love to have Black Widow’s abilities.) But usually the kids (and adults) using these terms are either unaware of effects, or just simply raised that we should judge people who are different. (And we’re all raised that way. It’s unavoidable.) I think it’s up to us, as adults, as role models, and as parents/guardians/friends/teachers, to realize the pressure that we put on men with these terms, too.

We’re finally to a point in time (Halle-fucking-lujah!)  where women can work, wear pants, vote, and all the fun stuff that we’ve fought so damn hard for and are entitled to. But what has that done to men? It means there are more ‘feminine’ things that are, essentially, the same as ‘masculine’ things. Going back to how we raise kids, how many fathers get upset when their son wants to play with a barbie doll? Ever notice how parents are fine when their daughter chooses the blue action hero toy but are simply outraged when their son picks up anything with pink on it? It’s fine for girls. We’re equal now.  But we’re still teaching our sons that pink is for girls, tea parties are gay, and painting their nails is just creepy. But why??

I guess the overall question is; what does it really mean to be a man? I see my guy friends struggle with this all the time. But as a ‘man’ they’re required to keep quiet about the dilemma. Because men don’t talk about feelings. That makes them gay. Men pick fights. Men aren’t ‘men’ until they get laid. That 14 year old boy in the article above was probably called ‘pussy’ and ‘fag’ until he agreed to rape the girl. He probably thought that participating in the gang-rape would make him cool among his ‘peers’. Because they all have sex. So he’s a coward or an idiot or just a ‘little bitch’ if he doesn’t ‘sack up’ and have sex with the girl.

I hear these terms (hell, I’ve used these terms…) all the time from men. And I see fathers telling their sons not to cry in public, that pink bikes are for girls, that you’re not supposed to sit down when you pee, and you need to have a killer right-hook in case someone crosses you.

I believe that’s where the problem starts. Boys are supposed to be in blue pajamas, and girls in pink. Then the girl wears the blue pajamas and there’s no problem. But the second that the boy tries on pink? You have to tell him it’s wrong and explain ‘manliness’ and it’s importance. We implant the idea in our children from the day we take them home to their pink or blue nursery. (I mean, seriously, yellow is ‘gender neutral’? I don’t think so.)

Maybe if we stopped pressuring our kids- in this case our boys- to pick certain toys, or to hate the color pink, or just plain ‘be a man’, they could figure out who they really are. (And what ‘being  a man’ really means.) And they could discover that manliness has nothing to do with smelling like Axe, oogling Scarlett Johansson, getting into drunk bar fights, or getting emotional in public. Being a man is about loving your partner (and/or family), and caring for them, supporting them, and providing for them. That’s also what being a woman is about. Taking care of yourself, and loving others.

So why do we have this division of masculinity and femininity? Why does it matter? Personally, I see it as a worthless social construct that limits our abilities, and places unnecessary stress and pressure on people.

So please, next time you’re invited to a birthday party, give your son/nephew/grandson/friends kid something pink, or simply encourage him to let his Freak Flag fly high. And let him know you’re proud of him for being himself.

(this is an on-going topic for me, so expect more in the future.)